darrskflynn

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 01:30:23 GMT

yesterday night i found out my dad was in the hospital. At first all i found out was that he was coughing blood then my brother called me when he got the hospital said that my father was on morphine and sleeping (for like the past week my dad has had a cold, well what he believed to be a cold, and hasn't been sleeping well). At that time they thought he had a severe case on pneumonia, which made sense to me cause like my father i hate see the doctor and will only go see one if i'm on my death bed. Well about midnight last night my brother called and told me that they determined that it wasn't pneumonia, but that my dad had a faulty heart valve. i have problems hadling that, i guess cause i have never really had to deal with someone really close to me dying. this morning i found out he is going to need open heart surgery. They say that they do thousard of them a year and there is less than 1% chance of complications. My problem i guess is that i'm to good with math cause that means roughly estimating saying they do 2000 a year that means around 10 a yr have complication....what if my dad is one of 10..... i realizing that this is where my invinclable dad image disappears and now i'm releazing that i'm most likly going to see him die before me. This is hard for me to deal with cause my dad is so close to me. He is one of my best friends, i look to him for advice all the time. I'm not ready for this. I try to remind myself that he is going to be okay. That I'm not going to lose him. But there is the fear that I'm wrong. That life will throw me another curve.... Come one why on father day, why not a month ago or in another month why now..... I have had a few drinks fyi....it is helping a little but still i can't get past the possibley I'm going to lose my dad, my daddy.... i guess the only true hero im my life...this is very hard....My brother did sound optmistic but i think he was being strong for me....I guess im the more sensensitive of the 2....but it does help...help me lie to myself of the actual risks involved...Oh i almost forget agian Star Wars is there for me....Again Ep3 comes to mind and the fearing the lost of a loved ones...it does help me to think that if it does happen he will finally move on to our next life. but still i can't let go i can't believe that now is the time... well at least i can't accept it

another day of loneliness

Tue, 24 May 2005 18:25:03 GMT

well yesterday i got my bootleg EP3 :). Well i tried to burn a dvd last night and it took 4 1/2 hrs to convert to dvd and burn. What happens well in the last 20 sec the burn errored out. It was a little disappointing to say the least but what made it worst is i had my mind set on watching ep3 so instead i watched it on my computer.

What i have realized about EP3 is there is a lot of advice in that movie im going to start taking to heart. The biggest being what Yoda says to Anakin, when Anakin is talking to him about his dreams. sorry dialogue isn't exact yet but he basically says that fearing to lose a loved one is the dark side. Also the overall moral of the story that when you fear to lose the loved one and hold on to it as tight as possible that all you end up doing is cause the lost of the loved one.

In a lot of ways it is a good thing that EP3 came out when it did and that i was able to get a bootleg of it cause it is going to help me make it through this trying time. It's scary how much i could put myself into anakin's shoe and see myself making those same decision. Realize that my only choice at this point is to let her fly free and if she returns then i know it to be true. But saying it is easier than doing it. I think i have been able to deal with the bad possiblilties that can result in this situation. Now the hardest thing for me to do is deal with the loneliness of it all.

I sit at home everynight by myself so alone and confused. i have no direction or purpose. I feel uncomplete as if i missing a big part of myself. This is my new delema that i need to over come. I need to be happy to be by myself agian the only problem is i was never happy by myself. THE SLEEPER MUST AWAKEN, i think sam is the only one that will get that. I must force myself to accept change and go with it.

This situation as made to realize some stuff about myself and the way i live my life. as a result I will be going through some lifesysle changes over the next couple of months.

the day of dread is here

Wed, 11 May 2005 01:09:20 GMT

well today is the day jen moves out and it's killing me. The only thing good now is im better with her moving and not thinking she is going to start cheating on me or that this was all just for me and she had already decide to end it with me. But that doesn't help the pain have knowing that she isn't going to living with me. That i wont feel her warm body laying next to me in bed at night when we go to sleep. Or the lack of see her when i come home and getting that warm feeling inside knowing that there is someone that loves me. Not being able to have her warming presence around me whenever im at home. Shit even part of me will miss the pain in the nipples she cause as well how she can be a pain in the ass sometime. These months are going to very hard for me.

I was never great a living on my own even though i have except for the last 5 years. What scares me the most is if this doesn't work out and everything. I am good with woman at all atleast when it comes to starting up a relationship; approaching the woman and all dating stuff. I guess that is cause im always worried about exposing my feeling since everything i have to a woman all they have done back is rip my heart up. If this isn't it i wondering if any ever will cause not many woman are attracted to me. I have heard the stupid "I dont want to ruin our friendship" "your a great guy but not my type" bullshit. Jen is the frist call i know that i can actually say sees me a being attractive. None of ex's have ever said that or that i was sexy or anything like that most the time i get im a nice guy, etc.

Now with this begining, im begging that this will make our relationship stronger. I can see how this is needed. I do believe that jen and i both take for granted the love we have and how lucky we are to have each other and i think this time could make that improve. Also i can understand that jen needs this time to figure things out.

My biggest problem when this started was trust. I guess i have never need to REALLY trust someone before. Jen and i never had that period where we were living apart but only seeing each other that cause most couple to learn trust cause u aren't around each other 24/7. also with her friend susan's situation it makes me that much more insecure cause i know from frank's point of view he thinks that susan is just taking sometime to think about thinks when the fact is susan is just string him along and fucking some other guy while telling frank that she isn't seeing anyone else. And even though i know jen isn't that kind of person there still is that twinge of doubt on whether i could be put through the same shit.

Well i guess i'll have to take it one day at a time. Reminding myself that she does love me and we are soul mates that no matter what she is coming back to me. all i have to do is make it through the loniness and try not to fall back in alcholism ...

Well that does it for now.
WOW!!!this journal shit does help some a fell a little better after writing this

another day closer

Sun, 08 May 2005 17:36:28 GMT

well another day closer to the dreaded day. Well at least i got some good new today looks like my department is going to get The Matrix Online game completely free no monthly fee and i don't have to buy the game the only thing i would have to do is write a one page report once a month on gameplay, i think i can do that lol. Last night while jen was taking jason home i was able to lay in the bath and about think a lot of things. Last night i think i was able to figure out a way for me to make it through this situation one way or another. I have ended up setting a lot of short term and long term goals for myself to keep myself occupied during the coming months. Some of the goals are small and foolish like goals in Star Wars Galaxies, others, namely the biggest long term goal, deal with jen and i if we stay together and if we dont. So even though i'll still have sad days im hoping this will be enough allow me to make it through this with my sanity

my first post

Sat, 07 May 2005 20:03:14 GMT

well not much to say yet.... but for now i just did the angel thing sam did

You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel.

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Dragon

67%

Angel

67%

Faerie

58%

WereWolf

33%

Mermaid

33%

Demon

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